One step forward two steps backwards

Posted November 17th, 2008 by Jane

Having terminal cancer has always felt like this to me..a little bit of progress, and ‘good news’…which of course no one without cancer would ever really think is good news..and then a dose of things getting worse, moving into a different phase.

I saw nice ENT man on Friday who warned that the improvement in my voice might settle down as not such a good improvement, and almost before I was out of the consulting room so it proved to be. Since Friday afternoon my voice is definitely strained again, more squeaky, feels insecure. A damp, nasty November day and a squeaky voice for life and I don’t feel great.

But worse than this I’ve finally faced up to what has been obvious for a a couple of weeks now…the taxol chemotherapy isn’t working. My swollen lymphoedema arm is looking bigger, and purple..and some stange marks on it as well..which could be the tightness of my lymphoedema sleeve or I fantasise could be arm skin mets…not that I know anyone with arm skin mets…except in a text book. The whole lumpy cancer area of my neck is lumpier and more swollen. R. felt it too..the onc felt it at examination three weeks ago but I wasn’t quite willing to hear the verdict them.

I’m pretty damn depressed right now..and very grumpy with it. I wish my head could rest from it all…I want to run away.