Posted September 21st, 2008 by Jane

I think a lot about how the cancer will finally kill me, dreading always dreading the particular ways of bone, brain, lungs or liver…the common sites of breast cancer secondaries…and what their unchecked progression will mean. When I got my ‘regional’ recurrence 18 months ago, written up often as a lesser kind of recurrence than ’secondaries’ I was told that though cancer elsewhere else would probably ultimately kill me, the’regional’ stuff still could….its not curable. I learned how from a breast cancer nurse: ulcerating septic tumours could cause fatal septicaemia, or tumours squashing my lungs. Until these past few weeks that outcome never felt quite real…so I’ve greeted results from CT scans of ‘no major organ spread’ as bits of good news in the scheme of things.

But then the nerve pain started, and my eye drooped from more damaged nerves, and my voice is ‘hoarse’ from the same impact of neck tumours and I’ve a couple of times had this little choky cough of late. I said it aloud to R. this afternoon. ‘I’m scared the cancer will choke me.’ She looks at me and agrees, and knows. ‘Don’t think about it now’. So I don’t. And I immerse myself in the glorious sunshine and my novel: The Road Home (Rose Tremain. ) I have so many more novels I want to read. But I’m still scared of choking.