Posted July 9th, 2009 by Jane

I could be paralysed with fear but it just feels like one more thing to mildly mull and reflect about. The ‘trajectory’ (big word which is an improvement on the dreaded cancer as a journey) of my disease is unusual (though not rare the medics keep saying) so for me there’s no spread yet to major organs..but that doesn’t make what’s happening in my neck, chest and shoulder area any less terrifying. One of my golf ball sized tumours is too close to my left jugular and even on warfarin I am in danger of a stroke.

A stroke could just kill me quickly…and I know then that some will say (and accurately too in some ways) that it might be the best way to go, so scared I am of the long slow cancer death decline.

But hey I am not ready to die/I don’t want to die; I have books to read; letters to write; conversations to have; films to see. And so despite everything no I don’t want a sudden stroke.